....summer requires that I don't take classes, that in some manner I can turn my brain off. Summer means that I go to work in the morning and leave at 4 or 5 (depending on when I get there) and head home. Summer means I am free on weekends and don't have to do anything incredibly complicated.
Nay, nay, for the past two summers, summer has meant that I have to work and go to class, stupid desire to graduate from a four year institution in four years.
I've been thinking about it in the off time that I get; I have been doing homework since fall of sophomore year. I haven't taken a summer in a few years...and I'm tired of it. I have no desire or drive to finish anything. Thank God for Jed. At the moment he's the one making me finish, forcing me to do my work...that sort of thing. I want a break, I need a break. My head is going to explode. I don't have time for a break. The mantra currently is one more year. I have one year left and then no more school. One more year, the final push. I have to keep reminding myself that I've taken summer courses to make my life easier, to allow me graduate on time.
...seriously, it would suck to have to come back for another semester for just one class....
On the plus side, my hard work (and well really the people around me who are more intelligent than myself) have allowed me to regain that which was taken from me by Messiah College....course they gave it to me in the first place but that's besides the point. I got my scholarship back, which is cool. It means I'm improving.
Next problem, apartment hunting. That's a real joy. But of course I'm in real limbo at the moment, with out going into crazy detail the one I'm suppose to be living with has had certain realities change in her life. I don't want things to go south with her new changes. It's very important to me that she remain happy as she doesn't seem to get that a lot. I've informed her that she really needs to consider this moving thing now....really really consider it. I'm not sure if she understands how important it is that she does think about it.
It does leave me in a bit of a pickle, luckily, I might or should have a back up plan. The brother I am currently living with has said that he doesn't mind me living in his house, which is nice. And I'm sure if that went sour that the other brother wouldn't mind living with me either. So I have options. I'm waiting another week and a half though before I seriously consider any more apartments.
I want everything to work out in the best possible situation. I'm not sure how that situation will look but I'm crossing my fingers and maybe saying a prayer or two.
In other news, the one I love has applied for a job...at Penn State Main campus. This is both exciting and slightly depressing. We both have expressed a feeling of dislike in being away from each other.....two hours to be exact. However, It's what is best for him. It's such a great opportunity for him and opens so many doors that not supporting it would be the opposite of what my role as his girlfriend dictates. I can be upset about him moving two hours away but in the end I have to be ok with it....and he does too. Really it just means that weekends will be our time together, and possibly every vacation day that Messiah hands out. It's only for nine months right? If he gets it he'll leave in the middle of August and I will be here. I want this for him. He's needs this, especially since he's not going to grad school right away.
Yah that's all I've got.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The results are in....
So, here's what has happened.
I've gone to the cardiologist and he says,
1. I'm too young to see him (he mostly only sees 70 and 80 year olds)
2. The actual thing you all want to know.
I'm fine sort of. So to try and sum it up, the electrical connection between my heart and my brain doesn't work quite right. To explain, when your blood pressure drops (due to rest or sitting or anything) your rate/pulse is suppose to increase to compensate, mine doesn't do that. Both are already low and my pulse refuses to compensate most of the time, thus, I pass out. According to the cardiologist it's something I was born with and there's nothing I can do to make it go away.
He says that I should drink more water....(really I already drink a ton of it...what am I suppose to become a fish?) AND I'm suppose to increase my sodium intake. He literally told me that I should eat more chips and pretzels. It boils down to diet induced high blood pressure. I think it's funny. I'm suppose to consume these things when i feel really dizzy. Silly. But yah, I'm pretty much ok. Nothing is wrong really. I don't have an deformities in my heart and I don't have a brain tumor. So cool.
It's a simple thing to deal with. It won't ever be fixed but at least I can manage it.
So everyone, stop freaking out and worrying, I'm fine. I can handle this. I have taken care of myself in the past. Cool. Great.
Alright then, feel informed. YAY! :)
I've gone to the cardiologist and he says,
1. I'm too young to see him (he mostly only sees 70 and 80 year olds)
2. The actual thing you all want to know.
I'm fine sort of. So to try and sum it up, the electrical connection between my heart and my brain doesn't work quite right. To explain, when your blood pressure drops (due to rest or sitting or anything) your rate/pulse is suppose to increase to compensate, mine doesn't do that. Both are already low and my pulse refuses to compensate most of the time, thus, I pass out. According to the cardiologist it's something I was born with and there's nothing I can do to make it go away.
He says that I should drink more water....(really I already drink a ton of it...what am I suppose to become a fish?) AND I'm suppose to increase my sodium intake. He literally told me that I should eat more chips and pretzels. It boils down to diet induced high blood pressure. I think it's funny. I'm suppose to consume these things when i feel really dizzy. Silly. But yah, I'm pretty much ok. Nothing is wrong really. I don't have an deformities in my heart and I don't have a brain tumor. So cool.
It's a simple thing to deal with. It won't ever be fixed but at least I can manage it.
So everyone, stop freaking out and worrying, I'm fine. I can handle this. I have taken care of myself in the past. Cool. Great.
Alright then, feel informed. YAY! :)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
update number n
So I'm going to the cardiologist in April. maybe s/he can tell me why my heart is lazy. Anyway, I'm skipping my assistant position that day to have a doctor tell me they don't know why my heart hates me. However, I am fulfilling the wishes of my family and my grandparents {ps four of you are on my shit list right now. ;) }
It's been getting slightly worse I would say. It hovers around 50ish during most of the day and I've come to realize that some of the lab smells make it worse. Granted, organic solvents will make anyone light headed but I don't think it helps the situation.
weird.
To clarify, I'm overly careful in lab. I've made it a goal that while I apparently can't control how fast my heart beats, nor can I control how dizzy or light headed I get I can control not passing out in the lab. I'm constantly monitoring myself to make sure that none of my senses are fuzzy. I'd rather not spill chemicals on me....plus there's the whole being embarrassed about fainting. I'd also like to not lose any of my products in Advanced lab.
(you know forget the whole there's something physically wrong with me God forbid I lose my reaction.)
AND Dr. Reeve knows about it. She actually might be the only professor in the department that knows. I figure I spend two out of the four days from lab with her she should probably know. (and as she's the organic prof I figure her labs are the ones that I'll be more likely to faint in. It's science don't question it.) I find it funny that Schaeffer doesn't know. I don't want him to worry. I don't want anyone to worry. there's no point in worrying about something no one can control. yah, there's something wrong but it's out of everyone's control. Don't lose sleep over it.
So there you go. I'm going to the cardiologist. be happy that I'm not ignoring it as my nature would have me do. Maybe I'll get to wear a cool heart monitor.
It's been getting slightly worse I would say. It hovers around 50ish during most of the day and I've come to realize that some of the lab smells make it worse. Granted, organic solvents will make anyone light headed but I don't think it helps the situation.
weird.
To clarify, I'm overly careful in lab. I've made it a goal that while I apparently can't control how fast my heart beats, nor can I control how dizzy or light headed I get I can control not passing out in the lab. I'm constantly monitoring myself to make sure that none of my senses are fuzzy. I'd rather not spill chemicals on me....plus there's the whole being embarrassed about fainting. I'd also like to not lose any of my products in Advanced lab.
(you know forget the whole there's something physically wrong with me God forbid I lose my reaction.)
AND Dr. Reeve knows about it. She actually might be the only professor in the department that knows. I figure I spend two out of the four days from lab with her she should probably know. (and as she's the organic prof I figure her labs are the ones that I'll be more likely to faint in. It's science don't question it.) I find it funny that Schaeffer doesn't know. I don't want him to worry. I don't want anyone to worry. there's no point in worrying about something no one can control. yah, there's something wrong but it's out of everyone's control. Don't lose sleep over it.
So there you go. I'm going to the cardiologist. be happy that I'm not ignoring it as my nature would have me do. Maybe I'll get to wear a cool heart monitor.
Friday, February 5, 2010
The saga continues
Nothing is wrong according to the blood work, xray, and Echo (well at least I think the Echo, Holy Spirit didn't send the record but the Engle Center didn't hear a murmur so nothing is probably wrong there). Truly, I saw the results. My blood work shows that I'm not anemic, I don't have high cholesterol (actually it's very much normal), I don't have a thyroid problem, I don't have any electrolyte imbalances, nothing. The xray said that everything is normal sized and looks good.
The only thing the EKG told the doctors, nurses, and myself is that my heart rate is slow, 53 to be exact.
Clearly, I should be a distance runner.
We (meaning my rigorous scientific mind and ability to count, yes they are separate entities don't judge me all scientists use the ubiquitous we) have carried out numerous experiments involving timing my pulse whilst I am dizzy. The results show that while I'm dizzy my rate is around 48 (that one is bad even for a distance runner.)
Anyway, the next step is that I have to go to a Cardiologist and maybe s/he (inclusive language) can tell me why my heart doesn't like me.
But first, I must A) consult the parental units and B) consult the insurance company to see if I should offer up my first born child or just a pound of flesh to help pay for this shenanigan.
So, as far as I can imagine that's the next step for me.
Well there you go, feel informed.
The only thing the EKG told the doctors, nurses, and myself is that my heart rate is slow, 53 to be exact.
Clearly, I should be a distance runner.
We (meaning my rigorous scientific mind and ability to count, yes they are separate entities don't judge me all scientists use the ubiquitous we) have carried out numerous experiments involving timing my pulse whilst I am dizzy. The results show that while I'm dizzy my rate is around 48 (that one is bad even for a distance runner.)
Anyway, the next step is that I have to go to a Cardiologist and maybe s/he (inclusive language) can tell me why my heart doesn't like me.
But first, I must A) consult the parental units and B) consult the insurance company to see if I should offer up my first born child or just a pound of flesh to help pay for this shenanigan.
So, as far as I can imagine that's the next step for me.
Well there you go, feel informed.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
stupid heart
So to update: I've been, well, forced to go to the health center on campus.
For the past eight months I have been fainting (passing out, blacking out, whatever you want to call it). I have also been unreasonably cold all the time. Granted, I am always cold, this is an affliction that I have dealt with my whole life. But, at the urging of those around me and one incredibly nosy brother, I set up an appointment. Turns out I have Bradycardia which pretty much means my heart doesn't beat as fast as it should. For distance runners it's all right but for a normal person it's not such a good thing. Basically my heart sometimes doesn't feel like pumping blood all the way to my head which results in my dramatic fainting spells. Most of the time I just get dizzy or fuzzy headed but there have been occasions where the passing out has occurred. Bradycardia doesn't happen on its own so the idea is that NOW I have to have a bunch of tests done on me. This includes: blood work (yes I must AGAIN endure the pain of having blood siphoned from my veins), an EKG, a Chest Xray, and an echocardiogram (yay sitting topless in front of strangers for many hours....not really). What's even better is that I get to deal with the insurance company AND still pay for the rest of the procedures!!! YAY medical bills. Needless to say I'm frustrated that I have to deal with all of this. I've been told that it's important to get this done as most folks don't want me to die. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to die, I don't really think that's a result of Bradycardia. But because this doesn't happen on its own then the thing causing it could be a problem. So that's it. My heart throws hissy-fits now and then and doesn't want to pump blood to the rest of me (selfish little bastard...). I'm trying to be positive about this (How am I doing?) because in all honest I would rather pretend nothing is happening.
For the past eight months I have been fainting (passing out, blacking out, whatever you want to call it). I have also been unreasonably cold all the time. Granted, I am always cold, this is an affliction that I have dealt with my whole life. But, at the urging of those around me and one incredibly nosy brother, I set up an appointment. Turns out I have Bradycardia which pretty much means my heart doesn't beat as fast as it should. For distance runners it's all right but for a normal person it's not such a good thing. Basically my heart sometimes doesn't feel like pumping blood all the way to my head which results in my dramatic fainting spells. Most of the time I just get dizzy or fuzzy headed but there have been occasions where the passing out has occurred. Bradycardia doesn't happen on its own so the idea is that NOW I have to have a bunch of tests done on me. This includes: blood work (yes I must AGAIN endure the pain of having blood siphoned from my veins), an EKG, a Chest Xray, and an echocardiogram (yay sitting topless in front of strangers for many hours....not really). What's even better is that I get to deal with the insurance company AND still pay for the rest of the procedures!!! YAY medical bills. Needless to say I'm frustrated that I have to deal with all of this. I've been told that it's important to get this done as most folks don't want me to die. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to die, I don't really think that's a result of Bradycardia. But because this doesn't happen on its own then the thing causing it could be a problem. So that's it. My heart throws hissy-fits now and then and doesn't want to pump blood to the rest of me (selfish little bastard...). I'm trying to be positive about this (How am I doing?) because in all honest I would rather pretend nothing is happening.
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